I can vividly remember the exact moment and situation that I felt the emotion of pure sadness. A glimmer into an emotion I would have to learn to conquer throughout my life. I was in my room and was cleaning up a staged bed wetting accident I attempted in hopes of getting attention from my mother. It didn’t work; she paid no more attention to me than she ever did and all I knew to do was cry. It hurts to know that this would set the tone of our relationship; disappointment, hurt, anger acceptance that she would never love me the way I needed from my mother.
I don’t cry for her or that relationship anymore-it’s done. Those who were supposed to protect, ignored, shunned, even…..nevermind, I digress. In my room, the radio was on and a brand new song was announced, ‘I Need Love’ by LL Cool J. I heard all the lyrics rapped out by this Caramel God but all I could think about and keep repeating was the line, “For the first time in my life I see I need love”. How timely. That became my mantra; my state of being, what I believed could save me and make everything right. And maybe, it could have worked-I’m honestly not really sure. What I have learned though is that love has many faces and some aren’t so pure or fulfilling. Love to some can be outright selfish, demanding and self-serving even if they do not see it…life lessons I suppose.
“For the first time in my life I see I need love”LL Cool J
As a young woman I never realized how much I would learn from relationships, connections. Connections that can cause hurt and pain even when things are good. Understanding that all that you allow within your sphere can now hurt you, even when they are not trying. Their pain becomes your pain just as their joy you can feel also. When others including yourself hurt those you love the pang is real, deep. Looking back, had I realized, I would have negotiated those relationships and connections more carefully, more selfishly even. Currently, caught in a constant cycle that never lets up, never stops and feels unforgiving I know the error in my ways. Allowing others to expect too much, believing I’m beyond reproach, beyond human. And then, disappointing them…all. Indeed, had I looked deep enough from the start I would have seen it was set up to fail from the beginning. Of all the choices-I still made the wrong one.