It ain’t always summer in June

I have been dreading typing because I did not want to fully face all that is before me. To put it plainly, some life lessons suck. All the way…it’s ironic how the universe connects to bring things together and equally to tear them apart. Precipitated by things that you never see coming…in a second everything changes. Plans in your head become pipe dreams and feelings are shattered without even trying. Given my history I’ll just say karma is a bitch. I used to have a shirt that talked about karma but as I realized I was due I gave it away.

“Don’t check on me…if we’re not together then it’s probably for a reason every heart break has its’ season….it ain’t always summer in June…my heart is back in one piece it ain’t scared to beat no more…feeling rested up I ain’t missing sleep no more…you can’t have everything…your heart and your head won’t feel the same.”

Chris Brown

Having been there before… I know the importance of leaning in and going through/Lean into the pain/ Knowing that this experience only gives me more compassion, more empathy to pull from as I move forward and am there for others that experience pain that is mostly indescribable/Lean into the discomfort/How do you heal yourself? For me, in writing, reading, listening to music (usually for days on repeat) and finding joy in the simple things that will never disappoint me; the gift of sunshine, water, and exerting physical energy/Lean into the uncertainty/Nothing makes you focus and feel certain and confident like the physical pain that comes from extreme workouts. Sometimes pain can be so healing in that way/Lean into the loss/

Often, I wonder if the person that is not connected and never genuinely experiences rejection or feelings of loss is better because of that. At face value it seems like it but I don’t know. The lack of ability to be able to connect with another human being is a loss no matter how you reframe it. One misses the ability to truly understand the power of connection and why the relationships we develop should be nurtured and prioritized, shielded not only for the good of others but ourselves as well. How do you value anothers’ soul? Not with empty words and broken expectations. I’ve sadly done that before and am still experiencing the aftershocks from such a mistake. An individualized lesson we all have to learn on our own.

Hearing the same phrase repeated two days in a row, an observation about not understanding or realizing my own value. The folks that said it know me pretty well, probably as well as anyone on this earth but I still cant 100% come to terms with what they’re saying. Maybe I’m just tired and not seeing clearly. When things are on my mind eating and sleeping are almost impossible. This week has been rough…rough…on both fronts. Today is the last day I allow this. After today I’m done. Life goes on, it has to. It always does. Thankful for the lesson.

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