So much has happened. It’s hard to know where to start. Friendships have ended while others proved their worth. Relations in general feel harder, more strained given all the new stressors everyone is impacted by.
I take nothing for granted. Life is truly a gift. 500,000 dead in less than a year has taught us all that. And still some are arguing about things that in the grand scheme are not important. Some fight passionately and are never heard while others weaponized their faked tears and have been wholeheartedly attended to. The latter disgusts me.
There is no logic yet we are all rational beings-trying to survive. Thriving is now considered a luxury we don’t have the right to opt into. How things have changed so drastically and cracks have widened causing beyond glaring disparities. And they have the audacity to ask: How are you?
It’s hard to remember life as we knew it the last time I sat to post here. It’s been so long. Friendships have ended, the world has faced and continues to battle a pandemic and race is front and center in our country. It is my hope that we’ve reached a tipping point and there’s no going back but who can ever really be sure. It feels like everything is politicized from believing in science to wearing a mask and even children going back to school in person. One could easily and justifiably ask, “what has become of all of us?” Are our egos so big we cannot unite even when faced with universal threats? Is racism so ingrained in America that protesting racism is now somehow unpatriotic? Only if I knew these answers.
Not all has been lost however, some amazing things have come out of this time:
I make time to meditate consistently
I work out almost daily
I’ve started running on the weekends
Gardening is a new hobby and I have quite a collection of herbs and veggies I grow on my own
I have incorporated meditation into my girls’ daily routine
My bike finally got moved into the house
Yes, more has happened as well but I don’t need to brag. Not at all. Life has become real. Relationships have been tested and only those things and persons that truly matter are given my energy. No more mindless acts or entertaining individuals just to make them feel better. No more shrinking and staying silent when I see something that is not right.
I’m starting courses at Yale next month and I couldn’t be more excited. 2020 may have disappointed on various levels but I am determined to make the best lemonade out of these lemons we’ve all been handed.
Today, my soul was changed in ways I would not have imagined could occur on today, what I thought was just an ordinary Sunday. Perhaps it was the time I spent in silence on the previous day merely connecting with myself, my soul, a space that is sacred. In reading a book heavily focused on loving yourself and being in connection with your soul several truths were revealed to me in ways that have never before occurred but that I needed to have an internal resting. You see last night even though I was exhausted, when I went to lay down sleep would not come. My mind kept racing about a particular relationship that has been troubling me lately. The dynamics are off, the communication muddy, the interactions-distant. Trying to internally process all that had occurred I found myself blaming one thing and then another for all the variations and what I felt were broken promises. But I knew I needed to turn the page and move forward. I kept trying to cancel out the thoughts as they helped nothing in the long term and finally sleep won.
I woke frustrated but rested and began reading again and there within those pages I found my peace. I was reminded that the water element in life that I worship like religion and have always been drawn to is in many ways like love, at least my love. Dynamic, ever changing, flowing, not containable, forgiving, gracious, covers all wrong…healing for the soul. Me trying to hold onto the same traditions, practices, exchanges, and value in a relationship I realized is ultimately unreasonable especially when in relation with another human as we are constantly growing and hopefully evolving into better, more genuine versions of ourselves. Who am I to enslave another to my version of love? Love is never controlling or forced but easygoing and natural. All things truly done in love emit from the heart and are optional; there is no space for expectations in love.
Thankful for this freeing and peace giving realization of truth. Love…
Allow yourself the time and all the space in the world to process this slowly. There is no need to rush any of this. You have waited your whole life…You are healing…deeply from a lifetime of pain. Only love and patience can provide lasting and transformative healing. A renewing of the soul.
Remember this as you go forward today and always. Nothing is worth the rush. All things ripen with time and there is a time for every season.
You have waited your whole life to feel and experience a love as big as the whole sky.
And it’s been inside of you your whole life-and now you know…
-With a heart full of all the love in the Universe for you.
It has been a while…sometimes it takes time to fully realize all that is transpiring, this break has been no different. It seems this season of my life is all about prioritizing and redefining who is important, what, if anything, is important and why. Looking at the output of others and asking myself, ‘do I deserve that?’. Looking at my output and inquiring if my output matches my intention, where they rank in my life. Am I over allocating for those that don’t reciprocate or even intend the same? I know I am guilty of not giving enough to those that deserve it, I have began the process of fixing this.
Do intentions ever really matter? Usually it feels the end result is what we are held to; right or not.
I am brought to a mantra that came to me over two years ago…there are no wrong paths…all paths regardless of the bumps and valleys lead us exactly where we need to go and to experience what we need to move forward, propel higher and teach another. Teach another. I constantly have to remind myself of this. These trials will help another, if I let go of my ego and share. I have to constantly remind myself of that in this season as it is so easy to practice negative self-talk and fault myself for feeling, trying, being human-failing.
Can I truly grow without failing? I doubt it, it is inevitable; I will hurt others, be hurt and I will fail. I demand continual growth.
Having experienced very rare moments of peace and quiet within lately, almost unbelievably quiet within, I have heard so much. I am grateful for the introspective time, time that was not wasted. Allowing pondering thoughts to process and reveal themselves to me in ways they never have. That’s the ruse about being quiet inside, you have to be ready to hear what the Universe has to say to you.
Life has allowed a continuation of a wonderfully restorative practice with a girlfriend I’ve known months shy of 25 years and love more than most could imagine. It’s funny how you forget the value of certain simple acts until they resume and you are flooded with joy and thanks to the stars for allowing magic to occur again.
Walking into this next season with eyes wide open.
There are no wrong paths. You get as much from your losses as you do your victories…all preparing you for your destiny.
I have this bad habit that I’m not quite sure when or why I picked it up. I travel monthly for work and have come to pay particular attention to the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign that is furnished by the hotel I am staying in. Often I just read them and feel them in my hands but certain ones, I find I like to take with me. Sometimes it is the wording that intrigues me, other times it’s the weight and feel of the door hanger that makes me want to hold it for a little longer. I often think about these signs and what they mean in relation to the people in my life; my inner circle, casual friends, and those I choose for whatever reason to keep at a distance or stated otherwise, to be careful with. I find I can allow myself to go all in with people trusting that they are genuine and as invested as I am. When this does not pan out or they prove themselves to be flaky and unreliable they are moved to another category; one where I still engage but I ensure that I protect myself knowing that they can and will hurt me without much regard.
As I opened my nightstand drawer today in an attempt to declutter I perused my collection of signs I have collected lately. Some say ‘Do Not Disturb’ or Privacy Please’, others, ‘Please try later’, but all conveying the same message-I would rather be alone. Ironically, that has been my motto recently. Yearning for privacy, peace, no distractions, but just able to be-without being analyzed or studied for a reaction to something. In life, we often have to set those boundaries that are dynamic and shift people from being inside your room to asking them to wait at the door or not even come by. It seems like the transition can occur so quickly, sometimes without even realizing that things have shifted only knowing that your ability or desire to entertain certain things is now absent and no longer tolerable. Often caused by an internal shift but one that is predicated by bad behavior in one way or another; lost trust, betrayal, disappointment, you get it…they hurt you…one way or another.
Many of us have become almost immune to others hurting us as if it is normal and something we should accept and welcome; a milestone that proves that they care for us and of course anything worth having is worth fighting for right? No—I see things differently; having been in relationships where I have died to myself to be there for another I cannot engage in that any longer. We all have free will and I respect that but one also has to respect that when decisions are made and behaviors are displayed that negatively impact me that I won’t just be there to be hurt again. That’s my right and not something you can weigh in on. More than that, how I go about reacting to and communicating this is my prerogative. I won’t seek your permission, I don’t need it, much like you didn’t ask and wait for permission to hurt me. Life sort of works like that. Some people are so concerned about being the nice one, the good one, that they cowardly act and prolong things in an effort to say they did nothing wrong. I have no respect for those people. Nothing angers me more.
In many ways it seems that some individuals go about sabotaging others’ hearts while they wait for the next best thing to come around. While waiting who knows the amount of damage they inflict on others; verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically—karma…it all comes back around, reciprocated. For now, my sign is up.
When someone leads with, “I don’t want to hurt you”, whatever they say next should automatically be voided. No, you’re not telling me because you care, you’re telling me this because you want to feel less guilt for your actions that were sure to hurt another. Empty words irritate me; they’re so lifeless, useless. Often, I think of a quote I heard several years ago,
Your actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
Behaviors speak volumes to me. I have unfortunately had the experience of being lied to in several relationships. A nice way to let someone know that their words and actions are incompatible is to use this quote, because it’s the truth, indeed, it makes sense. Being an active observer in any relationship is so key; someone can come up with the most kind, gentle and praising words but watching and listening to what they actually do is so important. I like to think it might be the most important thing as in doing so you learn ones’ priorities, values, loyalty, endurance to stick with difficult things, an ability to make a decision and stick with it (good or bad), impulsivity, and so many other preferences and character traits that they have.
Energy’s like a circle it comes back around, reciprocated…