Maybe you were bored

When someone leads with, “I don’t want to hurt you”, whatever they say next should automatically be voided. No, you’re not telling me because you care, you’re telling me this because you want to feel less guilt for your actions that were sure to hurt another. Empty words irritate me; they’re so lifeless, useless. Often, I think of a quote I heard several years ago,

Your actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.

Unknown

Behaviors speak volumes to me. I have unfortunately had the experience of being lied to in several relationships. A nice way to let someone know that their words and actions are incompatible is to use this quote, because it’s the truth, indeed, it makes sense. Being an active observer in any relationship is so key; someone can come up with the most kind, gentle and praising words but watching and listening to what they actually do is so important. I like to think it might be the most important thing as in doing so you learn ones’ priorities, values, loyalty, endurance to stick with difficult things, an ability to make a decision and stick with it (good or bad), impulsivity, and so many other preferences and character traits that they have.

Energy’s like a circle it comes back around, reciprocated…

Sacred/Scared

There are few things that I count as sacred and feel territorial about. My soul mate, my girls, friendships that endure hard things. In fact, they’re so sacred that often thinking about them and all the possibilities cause me to become scared. Sacred/Scared. At least in my head it makes sense why they’re so close together-they are intertwined in many ways. Something that is valuable to me, that I depend on and would be lost without is something that most definitely scares me, how could it not?

When I am able to sit in solitude and soak in the quiet I can hear so much more than what I take in on any average day. It’s as if my truth cannot come out with all the noise and distractions. I am required to slow down, think, reflect and take in life before Truth comes to me. It is patient, knowing timing is everything, and waits until I can take in what next phase I need to embark on. Right now I just need to be transparent, open, freed. Having adult conversations that are sacred. They scare me but I know will transform me…Us. The fact is, that it is rare when I am so clear on my next step or direction I want to go in. My normal is to vacillate between what another wants and just weigh in on my perspective. Or to cower and hide from expressing what I really want afraid of what my revelation to another may mean about myself or how they might internally judge me moving forward. Right now, oddly, thankfully, none of that matters. Perhaps it feels so freeing to finally be able to say, “that is what I want…this is what I need”, I don’t know, purely a speculation but it has been so freeing to finally pinpoint where I stand and then share that part of myself with another. Like regardless of their response I cared enough to honor their divine light inside of them and share. What they do with it is on them, period.

Over the years I have grown accustomed to hiding in my own skin, trying to be normal, average, like what I assume everyone else is. I am officially taking off that mask. I am not normal. I could not be average if I tried. My state of mind and presence is fluid, changing as I evolve, as I heal, as I get ‘better’ some would say. Although I have to admit I am not sure what ‘better’ really means or looks like, I will say my evolving has to be real and transparent. I do not intend or desire to hurt anyone, but I have to finally honor who I am; who I really am, at the core of my being. My husband is sacred to me and I am most scared for him. I do not know if he will accept the table I set. The woman I know I am. My evolving that has me at this place. I have always felt that he wants me to be perfect, to fit a mold and for years I feel I tried to do this but it is exhausting, draining, and completely unfulfilling to be so untrue to myself. I am seeing this now, even though all those years I never even realized I was donning this mask-it was always there. There have been glimpses where I pulled it to the side, perhaps tried out taking it off. But never completely, ongoing, ME.

Hello….I am finally here.

It ain’t always summer in June

I have been dreading typing because I did not want to fully face all that is before me. To put it plainly, some life lessons suck. All the way…it’s ironic how the universe connects to bring things together and equally to tear them apart. Precipitated by things that you never see coming…in a second everything changes. Plans in your head become pipe dreams and feelings are shattered without even trying. Given my history I’ll just say karma is a bitch. I used to have a shirt that talked about karma but as I realized I was due I gave it away.

“Don’t check on me…if we’re not together then it’s probably for a reason every heart break has its’ season….it ain’t always summer in June…my heart is back in one piece it ain’t scared to beat no more…feeling rested up I ain’t missing sleep no more…you can’t have everything…your heart and your head won’t feel the same.”

Chris Brown

Having been there before… I know the importance of leaning in and going through/Lean into the pain/ Knowing that this experience only gives me more compassion, more empathy to pull from as I move forward and am there for others that experience pain that is mostly indescribable/Lean into the discomfort/How do you heal yourself? For me, in writing, reading, listening to music (usually for days on repeat) and finding joy in the simple things that will never disappoint me; the gift of sunshine, water, and exerting physical energy/Lean into the uncertainty/Nothing makes you focus and feel certain and confident like the physical pain that comes from extreme workouts. Sometimes pain can be so healing in that way/Lean into the loss/

Often, I wonder if the person that is not connected and never genuinely experiences rejection or feelings of loss is better because of that. At face value it seems like it but I don’t know. The lack of ability to be able to connect with another human being is a loss no matter how you reframe it. One misses the ability to truly understand the power of connection and why the relationships we develop should be nurtured and prioritized, shielded not only for the good of others but ourselves as well. How do you value anothers’ soul? Not with empty words and broken expectations. I’ve sadly done that before and am still experiencing the aftershocks from such a mistake. An individualized lesson we all have to learn on our own.

Hearing the same phrase repeated two days in a row, an observation about not understanding or realizing my own value. The folks that said it know me pretty well, probably as well as anyone on this earth but I still cant 100% come to terms with what they’re saying. Maybe I’m just tired and not seeing clearly. When things are on my mind eating and sleeping are almost impossible. This week has been rough…rough…on both fronts. Today is the last day I allow this. After today I’m done. Life goes on, it has to. It always does. Thankful for the lesson.

The Gift of Anonymity

Today, I walked by a 30 something year old white male in the deli section of the local grocery store.  Standing at least 5’10” and 200 or so pounds he looked as if he wanted to shrink and hide himself in the midst of everyone and everything-not exist, disappear.  To say I felt his every emotion communicated through his non-verbal language is an understatement.

All of a sudden almost every title I ever held became void, absent and irrelevant. 

Everyone tells you about the joys of being a mother.  The love, the intensity the bond, the joy.  But they only relay a portion of the story in doing this and intentionally leave out the other things that certainly become your monsters under the bed that are so real to a 2 year old.  They neglect to highlight the unending pressure, complete isolation, constant expectations, and the feeling of never, ever, being good enough.  No-no one mentioned the way your life immediately and forever changes once you look into that infants’ eyes and suddenly your life is not your own-you have no control.  All of a sudden almost every title I ever held became void, absent and irrelevant.  Mom was now the only one that mattered.  Everything came second-everything, not necessarily a good thing but that’s what happened.  Almost 8 years later and this still remains.  Taking time to write this entry alone feels selfish.  Enjoying a day or weekend away is deemed irresponsible, negligent at best.  These norms-whether they be self or other imposed feel beyond unreasonable. 

It is time to re-negotiate this contract-not with them, but with and for myself.  I must create space. Tell me; what is the cost of freedom?

Tell me; what is the cost of freedom?

Connections

I can vividly remember the exact moment and situation that I felt the emotion of pure sadness.  A glimmer into an emotion I would have to learn to conquer throughout my life.  I was in my room and was cleaning up a staged bed wetting accident I attempted in hopes of getting attention from my mother.  It didn’t work; she paid no more attention to me than she ever did and all I knew to do was cry.  It hurts to know that this would set the tone of our relationship; disappointment, hurt, anger acceptance that she would never love me the way I needed from my mother.

I don’t cry for her or that relationship anymore-it’s done.  Those who were supposed to protect, ignored, shunned, even…..nevermind, I digress.  In my room, the radio was on and a brand new song was announced, ‘I Need Love’ by LL Cool J. I heard all the lyrics rapped out by this Caramel God but all I could think about and keep repeating was the line, “For the first time in my life I see I need love”.  How timely.  That became my mantra; my state of being, what I believed could save me and make everything right.  And maybe, it could have worked-I’m honestly not really sure.  What I have learned though is that love has many faces and some aren’t so pure or fulfilling.  Love to some can be outright selfish, demanding and self-serving even if they do not see it…life lessons I suppose.

For the first time in my life I see I need love

LL Cool J

As a young woman I never realized how much I would learn from relationships, connections.  Connections that can cause hurt and pain even when things are good.  Understanding that all that you allow within your sphere can now hurt you, even when they are not trying.  Their pain becomes your pain just as their joy you can feel also.  When others including yourself hurt those you love the pang is real, deep.  Looking back, had I realized, I would have negotiated those relationships and connections more carefully, more selfishly even.  Currently, caught in a constant cycle that never lets up, never stops and feels unforgiving I know the error in my ways.  Allowing others to expect too much, believing I’m beyond reproach, beyond human.  And then, disappointing them…all.  Indeed, had I looked deep enough from the start I would have seen it was set up to fail from the beginning.  Of all the choices-I still made the wrong one.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Necessary shifts

She said that self-care is a choice yet self-protection is pure survival. A necessity that must be carved in and prioritized. I guess you can call that my “AHA” moment. In a crowded restaurant, over a hurried lunch, in the midst of being in the eye of a career, political and personal storm all I could think of was this current realization; I am more than this circumstance. No matter how difficult this season of my life and this damning position is, it will pass. Things will settle and I will still stand (in some form or another), and to do this, I have to honor and attend to my well-being above all. Self-protection.

“You cannot pour from an empty cup”. -Unknown

So many connections, countless relationships all wanting, needing, demanding to be tended to, watered, nurtured-like plants in the garden of life. Lately my relationships are like succulents, thirsting for water then learning to conform without, turning colors due to deprivation until they are fire orange and red-screaming for attention. How will I fill my cup? Not with tasks, that has been done before and proved to have a high fail rate.

  • Meditation to start my day
  • Prioritizing solitude
  • Letting go of the need to constantly be productive
  • Learning to be okay with a…Pause
  • Exercising consistently
  • Writing
  • Embracing friendships and building on my village

I have to constantly accept and realize that what may be fulfilling and restoring for another, even one I view as very similar to myself likely will not mean the same for me. Constant stimulation and engagement I need to avoid. I must relish in the Quiet, be enveloped by seclusion where I can recharge and regenerate even if others do not realize this fact and even think this is counterproductive for my end goal.

I’m going to look for my glory yeah/I’ll be back real soon/I’m going to look for my glory yeah/I’ll be back real soon. -Solange

Sometimes the best thing we can do for those around us is to tell them “I’ll be back real soon”.

Photo by nicollazzi xiong on Pexels.com

Away

Upstairs

I find myself-whole & authentic.

Safe.

Away from the spectacle that often becomes others’ reality.

I never

expected this.

But permission wasn’t sought,

no waivers signed.

Emotions on high-unrequited & raw.

Almost reckless-we never stopped ourselves.

Apologies finally uttered–too late.

Actions replayed over & over with no resolve, no understanding.

I cannot make myself

walk down.