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In search of congruency

It has been a while…sometimes it takes time to fully realize all that is transpiring, this break has been no different.  It seems this season of my life is all about prioritizing and redefining who is important, what, if anything, is important and why.  Looking at the output of others and asking myself, ‘do I deserve that?’.  Looking at my output and inquiring if my output matches my intention, where they rank in my life.  Am I over allocating for those that don’t reciprocate or even intend the same?  I know I am guilty of not giving enough to those that deserve it, I have began the process of fixing this.

Do intentions ever really matter?  Usually it feels the end result is what we are held to; right or not.

Reprioritizing.

I am brought to a mantra that came to me over two years ago…there are no wrong paths…all paths regardless of the bumps and valleys lead us exactly where we need to go and to experience what we need to move forward, propel higher and teach another.  Teach another.  I constantly have to remind myself of this.  These trials will help another, if I let go of my ego and share.  I have to constantly remind myself of that in this season as it is so easy to practice negative self-talk and fault myself for feeling, trying, being human-failing.  

Can I truly grow without failing?  I doubt it, it is inevitable; I will hurt others, be hurt and I will fail.  I demand continual growth.

Having experienced very rare moments of peace and quiet within lately, almost unbelievably quiet within, I have heard so much.  I am grateful for the introspective time, time that was not wasted.  Allowing pondering thoughts to process and reveal themselves to me in ways they never have.  That’s the ruse about being quiet inside, you have to be ready to hear what the Universe has to say to you.  

Are you ready?

Life has allowed a continuation of a wonderfully restorative practice with a girlfriend I’ve known months shy of 25 years and love more than most could imagine.  It’s funny how you forget the value of certain simple acts until they resume and you are flooded with joy and thanks to the stars for allowing magic to occur again.  

Walking into this next season with eyes wide open.

There are no wrong paths. You get as much from your losses as you do your victories…all preparing you for your destiny.

Oprah Winfrey

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Bad Luck

I have this bad habit that I’m not quite sure when or why I picked it up. I travel monthly for work and have come to pay particular attention to the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign that is furnished by the hotel I am staying in. Often I just read them and feel them in my hands but certain ones, I find I like to take with me. Sometimes it is the wording that intrigues me, other times it’s the weight and feel of the door hanger that makes me want to hold it for a little longer. I often think about these signs and what they mean in relation to the people in my life; my inner circle, casual friends, and those I choose for whatever reason to keep at a distance or stated otherwise, to be careful with. I find I can allow myself to go all in with people trusting that they are genuine and as invested as I am. When this does not pan out or they prove themselves to be flaky and unreliable they are moved to another category; one where I still engage but I ensure that I protect myself knowing that they can and will hurt me without much regard.

As I opened my nightstand drawer today in an attempt to declutter I perused my collection of signs I have collected lately. Some say ‘Do Not Disturb’ or Privacy Please’, others, ‘Please try later’, but all conveying the same message-I would rather be alone. Ironically, that has been my motto recently. Yearning for privacy, peace, no distractions, but just able to be-without being analyzed or studied for a reaction to something. In life, we often have to set those boundaries that are dynamic and shift people from being inside your room to asking them to wait at the door or not even come by. It seems like the transition can occur so quickly, sometimes without even realizing that things have shifted only knowing that your ability or desire to entertain certain things is now absent and no longer tolerable. Often caused by an internal shift but one that is predicated by bad behavior in one way or another; lost trust, betrayal, disappointment, you get it…they hurt you…one way or another.

Many of us have become almost immune to others hurting us as if it is normal and something we should accept and welcome; a milestone that proves that they care for us and of course anything worth having is worth fighting for right? No—I see things differently; having been in relationships where I have died to myself to be there for another I cannot engage in that any longer. We all have free will and I respect that but one also has to respect that when decisions are made and behaviors are displayed that negatively impact me that I won’t just be there to be hurt again. That’s my right and not something you can weigh in on. More than that, how I go about reacting to and communicating this is my prerogative. I won’t seek your permission, I don’t need it, much like you didn’t ask and wait for permission to hurt me. Life sort of works like that. Some people are so concerned about being the nice one, the good one, that they cowardly act and prolong things in an effort to say they did nothing wrong. I have no respect for those people. Nothing angers me more.

In many ways it seems that some individuals go about sabotaging others’ hearts while they wait for the next best thing to come around. While waiting who knows the amount of damage they inflict on others; verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically—karma…it all comes back around, reciprocated. For now, my sign is up.

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Maybe you were bored

When someone leads with, “I don’t want to hurt you”, whatever they say next should automatically be voided. No, you’re not telling me because you care, you’re telling me this because you want to feel less guilt for your actions that were sure to hurt another. Empty words irritate me; they’re so lifeless, useless. Often, I think of a quote I heard several years ago,

Your actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.

Unknown

Behaviors speak volumes to me. I have unfortunately had the experience of being lied to in several relationships. A nice way to let someone know that their words and actions are incompatible is to use this quote, because it’s the truth, indeed, it makes sense. Being an active observer in any relationship is so key; someone can come up with the most kind, gentle and praising words but watching and listening to what they actually do is so important. I like to think it might be the most important thing as in doing so you learn ones’ priorities, values, loyalty, endurance to stick with difficult things, an ability to make a decision and stick with it (good or bad), impulsivity, and so many other preferences and character traits that they have.

Energy’s like a circle it comes back around, reciprocated…

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Sacred/Scared

There are few things that I count as sacred and feel territorial about. My soul mate, my girls, friendships that endure hard things. In fact, they’re so sacred that often thinking about them and all the possibilities cause me to become scared. Sacred/Scared. At least in my head it makes sense why they’re so close together-they are intertwined in many ways. Something that is valuable to me, that I depend on and would be lost without is something that most definitely scares me, how could it not?

When I am able to sit in solitude and soak in the quiet I can hear so much more than what I take in on any average day. It’s as if my truth cannot come out with all the noise and distractions. I am required to slow down, think, reflect and take in life before Truth comes to me. It is patient, knowing timing is everything, and waits until I can take in what next phase I need to embark on. Right now I just need to be transparent, open, freed. Having adult conversations that are sacred. They scare me but I know will transform me…Us. The fact is, that it is rare when I am so clear on my next step or direction I want to go in. My normal is to vacillate between what another wants and just weigh in on my perspective. Or to cower and hide from expressing what I really want afraid of what my revelation to another may mean about myself or how they might internally judge me moving forward. Right now, oddly, thankfully, none of that matters. Perhaps it feels so freeing to finally be able to say, “that is what I want…this is what I need”, I don’t know, purely a speculation but it has been so freeing to finally pinpoint where I stand and then share that part of myself with another. Like regardless of their response I cared enough to honor their divine light inside of them and share. What they do with it is on them, period.

Over the years I have grown accustomed to hiding in my own skin, trying to be normal, average, like what I assume everyone else is. I am officially taking off that mask. I am not normal. I could not be average if I tried. My state of mind and presence is fluid, changing as I evolve, as I heal, as I get ‘better’ some would say. Although I have to admit I am not sure what ‘better’ really means or looks like, I will say my evolving has to be real and transparent. I do not intend or desire to hurt anyone, but I have to finally honor who I am; who I really am, at the core of my being. My husband is sacred to me and I am most scared for him. I do not know if he will accept the table I set. The woman I know I am. My evolving that has me at this place. I have always felt that he wants me to be perfect, to fit a mold and for years I feel I tried to do this but it is exhausting, draining, and completely unfulfilling to be so untrue to myself. I am seeing this now, even though all those years I never even realized I was donning this mask-it was always there. There have been glimpses where I pulled it to the side, perhaps tried out taking it off. But never completely, ongoing, ME.

Hello….I am finally here.

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It ain’t always summer in June

I have been dreading typing because I did not want to fully face all that is before me. To put it plainly, some life lessons suck. All the way…it’s ironic how the universe connects to bring things together and equally to tear them apart. Precipitated by things that you never see coming…in a second everything changes. Plans in your head become pipe dreams and feelings are shattered without even trying. Given my history I’ll just say karma is a bitch. I used to have a shirt that talked about karma but as I realized I was due I gave it away.

“Don’t check on me…if we’re not together then it’s probably for a reason every heart break has its’ season….it ain’t always summer in June…my heart is back in one piece it ain’t scared to beat no more…feeling rested up I ain’t missing sleep no more…you can’t have everything…your heart and your head won’t feel the same.”

Chris Brown

Having been there before… I know the importance of leaning in and going through/Lean into the pain/ Knowing that this experience only gives me more compassion, more empathy to pull from as I move forward and am there for others that experience pain that is mostly indescribable/Lean into the discomfort/How do you heal yourself? For me, in writing, reading, listening to music (usually for days on repeat) and finding joy in the simple things that will never disappoint me; the gift of sunshine, water, and exerting physical energy/Lean into the uncertainty/Nothing makes you focus and feel certain and confident like the physical pain that comes from extreme workouts. Sometimes pain can be so healing in that way/Lean into the loss/

Often, I wonder if the person that is not connected and never genuinely experiences rejection or feelings of loss is better because of that. At face value it seems like it but I don’t know. The lack of ability to be able to connect with another human being is a loss no matter how you reframe it. One misses the ability to truly understand the power of connection and why the relationships we develop should be nurtured and prioritized, shielded not only for the good of others but ourselves as well. How do you value anothers’ soul? Not with empty words and broken expectations. I’ve sadly done that before and am still experiencing the aftershocks from such a mistake. An individualized lesson we all have to learn on our own.

Hearing the same phrase repeated two days in a row, an observation about not understanding or realizing my own value. The folks that said it know me pretty well, probably as well as anyone on this earth but I still cant 100% come to terms with what they’re saying. Maybe I’m just tired and not seeing clearly. When things are on my mind eating and sleeping are almost impossible. This week has been rough…rough…on both fronts. Today is the last day I allow this. After today I’m done. Life goes on, it has to. It always does. Thankful for the lesson.

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The Gift of Anonymity

Today, I walked by a 30 something year old white male in the deli section of the local grocery store.  Standing at least 5’10” and 200 or so pounds he looked as if he wanted to shrink and hide himself in the midst of everyone and everything-not exist, disappear.  To say I felt his every emotion communicated through his non-verbal language is an understatement.

All of a sudden almost every title I ever held became void, absent and irrelevant. 

Everyone tells you about the joys of being a mother.  The love, the intensity the bond, the joy.  But they only relay a portion of the story in doing this and intentionally leave out the other things that certainly become your monsters under the bed that are so real to a 2 year old.  They neglect to highlight the unending pressure, complete isolation, constant expectations, and the feeling of never, ever, being good enough.  No-no one mentioned the way your life immediately and forever changes once you look into that infants’ eyes and suddenly your life is not your own-you have no control.  All of a sudden almost every title I ever held became void, absent and irrelevant.  Mom was now the only one that mattered.  Everything came second-everything, not necessarily a good thing but that’s what happened.  Almost 8 years later and this still remains.  Taking time to write this entry alone feels selfish.  Enjoying a day or weekend away is deemed irresponsible, negligent at best.  These norms-whether they be self or other imposed feel beyond unreasonable. 

It is time to re-negotiate this contract-not with them, but with and for myself.  I must create space. Tell me; what is the cost of freedom?

Tell me; what is the cost of freedom?

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Connections

I can vividly remember the exact moment and situation that I felt the emotion of pure sadness.  A glimmer into an emotion I would have to learn to conquer throughout my life.  I was in my room and was cleaning up a staged bed wetting accident I attempted in hopes of getting attention from my mother.  It didn’t work; she paid no more attention to me than she ever did and all I knew to do was cry.  It hurts to know that this would set the tone of our relationship; disappointment, hurt, anger acceptance that she would never love me the way I needed from my mother.

I don’t cry for her or that relationship anymore-it’s done.  Those who were supposed to protect, ignored, shunned, even…..nevermind, I digress.  In my room, the radio was on and a brand new song was announced, ‘I Need Love’ by LL Cool J. I heard all the lyrics rapped out by this Caramel God but all I could think about and keep repeating was the line, “For the first time in my life I see I need love”.  How timely.  That became my mantra; my state of being, what I believed could save me and make everything right.  And maybe, it could have worked-I’m honestly not really sure.  What I have learned though is that love has many faces and some aren’t so pure or fulfilling.  Love to some can be outright selfish, demanding and self-serving even if they do not see it…life lessons I suppose.

For the first time in my life I see I need love

LL Cool J

As a young woman I never realized how much I would learn from relationships, connections.  Connections that can cause hurt and pain even when things are good.  Understanding that all that you allow within your sphere can now hurt you, even when they are not trying.  Their pain becomes your pain just as their joy you can feel also.  When others including yourself hurt those you love the pang is real, deep.  Looking back, had I realized, I would have negotiated those relationships and connections more carefully, more selfishly even.  Currently, caught in a constant cycle that never lets up, never stops and feels unforgiving I know the error in my ways.  Allowing others to expect too much, believing I’m beyond reproach, beyond human.  And then, disappointing them…all.  Indeed, had I looked deep enough from the start I would have seen it was set up to fail from the beginning.  Of all the choices-I still made the wrong one.

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