Necessary shifts

She said that self-care is a choice yet self-protection is pure survival. A necessity that must be carved in and prioritized. I guess you can call that my “AHA” moment. In a crowded restaurant, over a hurried lunch, in the midst of being in the eye of a career, political and personal storm all I could think of was this current realization; I am more than this circumstance. No matter how difficult this season of my life and this damning position is, it will pass. Things will settle and I will still stand (in some form or another), and to do this, I have to honor and attend to my well-being above all. Self-protection.

“You cannot pour from an empty cup”. -Unknown

So many connections, countless relationships all wanting, needing, demanding to be tended to, watered, nurtured-like plants in the garden of life. Lately my relationships are like succulents, thirsting for water then learning to conform without, turning colors due to deprivation until they are fire orange and red-screaming for attention. How will I fill my cup? Not with tasks, that has been done before and proved to have a high fail rate.

  • Meditation to start my day
  • Prioritizing solitude
  • Letting go of the need to constantly be productive
  • Learning to be okay with a…Pause
  • Exercising consistently
  • Writing
  • Embracing friendships and building on my village

I have to constantly accept and realize that what may be fulfilling and restoring for another, even one I view as very similar to myself likely will not mean the same for me. Constant stimulation and engagement I need to avoid. I must relish in the Quiet, be enveloped by seclusion where I can recharge and regenerate even if others do not realize this fact and even think this is counterproductive for my end goal.

I’m going to look for my glory yeah/I’ll be back real soon/I’m going to look for my glory yeah/I’ll be back real soon. -Solange

Sometimes the best thing we can do for those around us is to tell them “I’ll be back real soon”.

Photo by nicollazzi xiong on Pexels.com

Away

Upstairs

I find myself-whole & authentic.

Safe.

Away from the spectacle that often becomes others’ reality.

I never

expected this.

But permission wasn’t sought,

no waivers signed.

Emotions on high-unrequited & raw.

Almost reckless-we never stopped ourselves.

Apologies finally uttered–too late.

Actions replayed over & over with no resolve, no understanding.

I cannot make myself

walk down.

And so it begins

There is a story that brought me to this point but I do not know if that is significant right now. A quote my assistant taped to my screen at work reads, “Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can come together”. I literally rolled my eyes the first time I saw it, but realizing that she was just trying to comfort me as I had done for her, I got it, and it still remains there. Lately, so much has fallen apart-and come together, it is almost nauseating to think of all the transitions that have occurred in the last two years. It is like walking a familiar labyrinth that I frequent that helps me to acknowledge the bumps and yet remember that the path is really the point of it all.

Through a series of twists and turns, U-turns and complete roundabouts I have head-on faced some of my deepest fears; loss, hurt, isolation, loss of sense of self, humiliation, you name it, it’s happened. “When you have faced your biggest fears head on, there is nothing left they can do to you”. I have discovered that the closer I find myself to my truth, my origins, the more fear is evident and I experience it as a natural emotion. Because I do not know what may lie on the other side my fear is valid and real and something I will not apologize for. This fear keeps me human, and full of compassion for others who may be experiencing this same emotion for a variety of reasons that I need not ever understand. Although social media would have me believe otherwise, I know I am not alone.

“When you have faced your biggest fears head on, there is nothing left they can do to you”.

“We don’t change because we get comfortable in our discomfort, we’ve grown close to the stories and narratives we replay in our minds and we no longer know who we’d be without them. We remain stuck when we forget our original nature…”. I am choosing to remember.