It’s hard to remember life as we knew it the last time I sat to post here. It’s been so long. Friendships have ended, the world has faced and continues to battle a pandemic and race is front and center in our country. It is my hope that we’ve reached a tipping point and there’s no going back but who can ever really be sure. It feels like everything is politicized from believing in science to wearing a mask and even children going back to school in person. One could easily and justifiably ask, “what has become of all of us?” Are our egos so big we cannot unite even when faced with universal threats? Is racism so ingrained in America that protesting racism is now somehow unpatriotic? Only if I knew these answers.
Not all has been lost however, some amazing things have come out of this time:
I make time to meditate consistently
I work out almost daily
I’ve started running on the weekends
Gardening is a new hobby and I have quite a collection of herbs and veggies I grow on my own
I have incorporated meditation into my girls’ daily routine
My bike finally got moved into the house
Yes, more has happened as well but I don’t need to brag. Not at all. Life has become real. Relationships have been tested and only those things and persons that truly matter are given my energy. No more mindless acts or entertaining individuals just to make them feel better. No more shrinking and staying silent when I see something that is not right.
I’m starting courses at Yale next month and I couldn’t be more excited. 2020 may have disappointed on various levels but I am determined to make the best lemonade out of these lemons we’ve all been handed.
Today, my soul was changed in ways I would not have imagined could occur on today, what I thought was just an ordinary Sunday. Perhaps it was the time I spent in silence on the previous day merely connecting with myself, my soul, a space that is sacred. In reading a book heavily focused on loving yourself and being in connection with your soul several truths were revealed to me in ways that have never before occurred but that I needed to have an internal resting. You see last night even though I was exhausted, when I went to lay down sleep would not come. My mind kept racing about a particular relationship that has been troubling me lately. The dynamics are off, the communication muddy, the interactions-distant. Trying to internally process all that had occurred I found myself blaming one thing and then another for all the variations and what I felt were broken promises. But I knew I needed to turn the page and move forward. I kept trying to cancel out the thoughts as they helped nothing in the long term and finally sleep won.
I woke frustrated but rested and began reading again and there within those pages I found my peace. I was reminded that the water element in life that I worship like religion and have always been drawn to is in many ways like love, at least my love. Dynamic, ever changing, flowing, not containable, forgiving, gracious, covers all wrong…healing for the soul. Me trying to hold onto the same traditions, practices, exchanges, and value in a relationship I realized is ultimately unreasonable especially when in relation with another human as we are constantly growing and hopefully evolving into better, more genuine versions of ourselves. Who am I to enslave another to my version of love? Love is never controlling or forced but easygoing and natural. All things truly done in love emit from the heart and are optional; there is no space for expectations in love.
Thankful for this freeing and peace giving realization of truth. Love…
Allow yourself the time and all the space in the world to process this slowly. There is no need to rush any of this. You have waited your whole life…You are healing…deeply from a lifetime of pain. Only love and patience can provide lasting and transformative healing. A renewing of the soul.
Remember this as you go forward today and always. Nothing is worth the rush. All things ripen with time and there is a time for every season.
You have waited your whole life to feel and experience a love as big as the whole sky.
And it’s been inside of you your whole life-and now you know…
-With a heart full of all the love in the Universe for you.