It’s been so long

It’s hard to remember life as we knew it the last time I sat to post here. It’s been so long. Friendships have ended, the world has faced and continues to battle a pandemic and race is front and center in our country. It is my hope that we’ve reached a tipping point and there’s no going back but who can ever really be sure. It feels like everything is politicized from believing in science to wearing a mask and even children going back to school in person. One could easily and justifiably ask, “what has become of all of us?” Are our egos so big we cannot unite even when faced with universal threats? Is racism so ingrained in America that protesting racism is now somehow unpatriotic? Only if I knew these answers.

Not all has been lost however, some amazing things have come out of this time:

  • I make time to meditate consistently
  • I work out almost daily
  • I’ve started running on the weekends
  • Gardening is a new hobby and I have quite a collection of herbs and veggies I grow on my own
  • I have incorporated meditation into my girls’ daily routine
  • My bike finally got moved into the house

Yes, more has happened as well but I don’t need to brag. Not at all. Life has become real. Relationships have been tested and only those things and persons that truly matter are given my energy. No more mindless acts or entertaining individuals just to make them feel better. No more shrinking and staying silent when I see something that is not right.

I’m starting courses at Yale next month and I couldn’t be more excited. 2020 may have disappointed on various levels but I am determined to make the best lemonade out of these lemons we’ve all been handed.

I’ll be back soon.

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21 Days

You screamed “what has changed?” “tell me what has changed”.

The shock of your rage directed at me.

Speechless.

I pondered answering, but didn’t.

You continued. Visibly upset. It met my silence.

There could be no other response.

Now;

unanswered for 4, 5, 6, 24 hours.

Contact diminished.

Meaningful dialogue turned into superficial conversations. Promises abandoned.

A lack of concern/attention…friendship.

You cannot require what you will not provide.

Hypocrisy.

21 days changed everything.

This reality was created and shaped by you.

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Bad Luck

I have this bad habit that I’m not quite sure when or why I picked it up. I travel monthly for work and have come to pay particular attention to the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign that is furnished by the hotel I am staying in. Often I just read them and feel them in my hands but certain ones, I find I like to take with me. Sometimes it is the wording that intrigues me, other times it’s the weight and feel of the door hanger that makes me want to hold it for a little longer. I often think about these signs and what they mean in relation to the people in my life; my inner circle, casual friends, and those I choose for whatever reason to keep at a distance or stated otherwise, to be careful with. I find I can allow myself to go all in with people trusting that they are genuine and as invested as I am. When this does not pan out or they prove themselves to be flaky and unreliable they are moved to another category; one where I still engage but I ensure that I protect myself knowing that they can and will hurt me without much regard.

As I opened my nightstand drawer today in an attempt to declutter I perused my collection of signs I have collected lately. Some say ‘Do Not Disturb’ or Privacy Please’, others, ‘Please try later’, but all conveying the same message-I would rather be alone. Ironically, that has been my motto recently. Yearning for privacy, peace, no distractions, but just able to be-without being analyzed or studied for a reaction to something. In life, we often have to set those boundaries that are dynamic and shift people from being inside your room to asking them to wait at the door or not even come by. It seems like the transition can occur so quickly, sometimes without even realizing that things have shifted only knowing that your ability or desire to entertain certain things is now absent and no longer tolerable. Often caused by an internal shift but one that is predicated by bad behavior in one way or another; lost trust, betrayal, disappointment, you get it…they hurt you…one way or another.

Many of us have become almost immune to others hurting us as if it is normal and something we should accept and welcome; a milestone that proves that they care for us and of course anything worth having is worth fighting for right? No—I see things differently; having been in relationships where I have died to myself to be there for another I cannot engage in that any longer. We all have free will and I respect that but one also has to respect that when decisions are made and behaviors are displayed that negatively impact me that I won’t just be there to be hurt again. That’s my right and not something you can weigh in on. More than that, how I go about reacting to and communicating this is my prerogative. I won’t seek your permission, I don’t need it, much like you didn’t ask and wait for permission to hurt me. Life sort of works like that. Some people are so concerned about being the nice one, the good one, that they cowardly act and prolong things in an effort to say they did nothing wrong. I have no respect for those people. Nothing angers me more.

In many ways it seems that some individuals go about sabotaging others’ hearts while they wait for the next best thing to come around. While waiting who knows the amount of damage they inflict on others; verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically—karma…it all comes back around, reciprocated. For now, my sign is up.