It’s been so long

It’s hard to remember life as we knew it the last time I sat to post here. It’s been so long. Friendships have ended, the world has faced and continues to battle a pandemic and race is front and center in our country. It is my hope that we’ve reached a tipping point and there’s no going back but who can ever really be sure. It feels like everything is politicized from believing in science to wearing a mask and even children going back to school in person. One could easily and justifiably ask, “what has become of all of us?” Are our egos so big we cannot unite even when faced with universal threats? Is racism so ingrained in America that protesting racism is now somehow unpatriotic? Only if I knew these answers.

Not all has been lost however, some amazing things have come out of this time:

  • I make time to meditate consistently
  • I work out almost daily
  • I’ve started running on the weekends
  • Gardening is a new hobby and I have quite a collection of herbs and veggies I grow on my own
  • I have incorporated meditation into my girls’ daily routine
  • My bike finally got moved into the house

Yes, more has happened as well but I don’t need to brag. Not at all. Life has become real. Relationships have been tested and only those things and persons that truly matter are given my energy. No more mindless acts or entertaining individuals just to make them feel better. No more shrinking and staying silent when I see something that is not right.

I’m starting courses at Yale next month and I couldn’t be more excited. 2020 may have disappointed on various levels but I am determined to make the best lemonade out of these lemons we’ve all been handed.

I’ll be back soon.

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Enlightened

Today, my soul was changed in ways I would not have imagined could occur on today, what I thought was just an ordinary Sunday. Perhaps it was the time I spent in silence on the previous day merely connecting with myself, my soul, a space that is sacred. In reading a book heavily focused on loving yourself and being in connection with your soul several truths were revealed to me in ways that have never before occurred but that I needed to have an internal resting. You see last night even though I was exhausted, when I went to lay down sleep would not come. My mind kept racing about a particular relationship that has been troubling me lately. The dynamics are off, the communication muddy, the interactions-distant. Trying to internally process all that had occurred I found myself blaming one thing and then another for all the variations and what I felt were broken promises. But I knew I needed to turn the page and move forward. I kept trying to cancel out the thoughts as they helped nothing in the long term and finally sleep won.

I woke frustrated but rested and began reading again and there within those pages I found my peace. I was reminded that the water element in life that I worship like religion and have always been drawn to is in many ways like love, at least my love. Dynamic, ever changing, flowing, not containable, forgiving, gracious, covers all wrong…healing for the soul. Me trying to hold onto the same traditions, practices, exchanges, and value in a relationship I realized is ultimately unreasonable especially when in relation with another human as we are constantly growing and hopefully evolving into better, more genuine versions of ourselves. Who am I to enslave another to my version of love? Love is never controlling or forced but easygoing and natural. All things truly done in love emit from the heart and are optional; there is no space for expectations in love.

Thankful for this freeing and peace giving realization of truth. Love…

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A love letter to myself

dear Soul,

Allow yourself the time and all the space in the world to process this slowly. There is no need to rush any of this. You have waited your whole life…You are healing…deeply from a lifetime of pain. Only love and patience can provide lasting and transformative healing. A renewing of the soul.

Remember this as you go forward today and always. Nothing is worth the rush. All things ripen with time and there is a time for every season.

You have waited your whole life to feel and experience a love as big as the whole sky.

And it’s been inside of you your whole life-and now you know…

-With a heart full of all the love in the Universe for you.

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In search of congruency

It has been a while…sometimes it takes time to fully realize all that is transpiring, this break has been no different.  It seems this season of my life is all about prioritizing and redefining who is important, what, if anything, is important and why.  Looking at the output of others and asking myself, ‘do I deserve that?’.  Looking at my output and inquiring if my output matches my intention, where they rank in my life.  Am I over allocating for those that don’t reciprocate or even intend the same?  I know I am guilty of not giving enough to those that deserve it, I have began the process of fixing this.

Do intentions ever really matter?  Usually it feels the end result is what we are held to; right or not.

Reprioritizing.

I am brought to a mantra that came to me over two years ago…there are no wrong paths…all paths regardless of the bumps and valleys lead us exactly where we need to go and to experience what we need to move forward, propel higher and teach another.  Teach another.  I constantly have to remind myself of this.  These trials will help another, if I let go of my ego and share.  I have to constantly remind myself of that in this season as it is so easy to practice negative self-talk and fault myself for feeling, trying, being human-failing.  

Can I truly grow without failing?  I doubt it, it is inevitable; I will hurt others, be hurt and I will fail.  I demand continual growth.

Having experienced very rare moments of peace and quiet within lately, almost unbelievably quiet within, I have heard so much.  I am grateful for the introspective time, time that was not wasted.  Allowing pondering thoughts to process and reveal themselves to me in ways they never have.  That’s the ruse about being quiet inside, you have to be ready to hear what the Universe has to say to you.  

Are you ready?

Life has allowed a continuation of a wonderfully restorative practice with a girlfriend I’ve known months shy of 25 years and love more than most could imagine.  It’s funny how you forget the value of certain simple acts until they resume and you are flooded with joy and thanks to the stars for allowing magic to occur again.  

Walking into this next season with eyes wide open.

There are no wrong paths. You get as much from your losses as you do your victories…all preparing you for your destiny.

Oprah Winfrey

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21 Days

You screamed “what has changed?” “tell me what has changed”.

The shock of your rage directed at me.

Speechless.

I pondered answering, but didn’t.

You continued. Visibly upset. It met my silence.

There could be no other response.

Now;

unanswered for 4, 5, 6, 24 hours.

Contact diminished.

Meaningful dialogue turned into superficial conversations. Promises abandoned.

A lack of concern/attention…friendship.

You cannot require what you will not provide.

Hypocrisy.

21 days changed everything.

This reality was created and shaped by you.

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Bad Luck

I have this bad habit that I’m not quite sure when or why I picked it up. I travel monthly for work and have come to pay particular attention to the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign that is furnished by the hotel I am staying in. Often I just read them and feel them in my hands but certain ones, I find I like to take with me. Sometimes it is the wording that intrigues me, other times it’s the weight and feel of the door hanger that makes me want to hold it for a little longer. I often think about these signs and what they mean in relation to the people in my life; my inner circle, casual friends, and those I choose for whatever reason to keep at a distance or stated otherwise, to be careful with. I find I can allow myself to go all in with people trusting that they are genuine and as invested as I am. When this does not pan out or they prove themselves to be flaky and unreliable they are moved to another category; one where I still engage but I ensure that I protect myself knowing that they can and will hurt me without much regard.

As I opened my nightstand drawer today in an attempt to declutter I perused my collection of signs I have collected lately. Some say ‘Do Not Disturb’ or Privacy Please’, others, ‘Please try later’, but all conveying the same message-I would rather be alone. Ironically, that has been my motto recently. Yearning for privacy, peace, no distractions, but just able to be-without being analyzed or studied for a reaction to something. In life, we often have to set those boundaries that are dynamic and shift people from being inside your room to asking them to wait at the door or not even come by. It seems like the transition can occur so quickly, sometimes without even realizing that things have shifted only knowing that your ability or desire to entertain certain things is now absent and no longer tolerable. Often caused by an internal shift but one that is predicated by bad behavior in one way or another; lost trust, betrayal, disappointment, you get it…they hurt you…one way or another.

Many of us have become almost immune to others hurting us as if it is normal and something we should accept and welcome; a milestone that proves that they care for us and of course anything worth having is worth fighting for right? No—I see things differently; having been in relationships where I have died to myself to be there for another I cannot engage in that any longer. We all have free will and I respect that but one also has to respect that when decisions are made and behaviors are displayed that negatively impact me that I won’t just be there to be hurt again. That’s my right and not something you can weigh in on. More than that, how I go about reacting to and communicating this is my prerogative. I won’t seek your permission, I don’t need it, much like you didn’t ask and wait for permission to hurt me. Life sort of works like that. Some people are so concerned about being the nice one, the good one, that they cowardly act and prolong things in an effort to say they did nothing wrong. I have no respect for those people. Nothing angers me more.

In many ways it seems that some individuals go about sabotaging others’ hearts while they wait for the next best thing to come around. While waiting who knows the amount of damage they inflict on others; verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically—karma…it all comes back around, reciprocated. For now, my sign is up.

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The gift

Some gestures are never forgotten.

They shouldn’t be.

Individuals giving beyond mission, self.

Life-

Complicated & endearing;

The experiences that mold, make us.

Standing, hearing his words I realized my Power.

Existing all along, yet never actualized, realized.

‘Stay the course Mija’,

‘Don’t give up Mija’.

…time to use the key…

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Connections

I can vividly remember the exact moment and situation that I felt the emotion of pure sadness.  A glimmer into an emotion I would have to learn to conquer throughout my life.  I was in my room and was cleaning up a staged bed wetting accident I attempted in hopes of getting attention from my mother.  It didn’t work; she paid no more attention to me than she ever did and all I knew to do was cry.  It hurts to know that this would set the tone of our relationship; disappointment, hurt, anger acceptance that she would never love me the way I needed from my mother.

I don’t cry for her or that relationship anymore-it’s done.  Those who were supposed to protect, ignored, shunned, even…..nevermind, I digress.  In my room, the radio was on and a brand new song was announced, ‘I Need Love’ by LL Cool J. I heard all the lyrics rapped out by this Caramel God but all I could think about and keep repeating was the line, “For the first time in my life I see I need love”.  How timely.  That became my mantra; my state of being, what I believed could save me and make everything right.  And maybe, it could have worked-I’m honestly not really sure.  What I have learned though is that love has many faces and some aren’t so pure or fulfilling.  Love to some can be outright selfish, demanding and self-serving even if they do not see it…life lessons I suppose.

For the first time in my life I see I need love

LL Cool J

As a young woman I never realized how much I would learn from relationships, connections.  Connections that can cause hurt and pain even when things are good.  Understanding that all that you allow within your sphere can now hurt you, even when they are not trying.  Their pain becomes your pain just as their joy you can feel also.  When others including yourself hurt those you love the pang is real, deep.  Looking back, had I realized, I would have negotiated those relationships and connections more carefully, more selfishly even.  Currently, caught in a constant cycle that never lets up, never stops and feels unforgiving I know the error in my ways.  Allowing others to expect too much, believing I’m beyond reproach, beyond human.  And then, disappointing them…all.  Indeed, had I looked deep enough from the start I would have seen it was set up to fail from the beginning.  Of all the choices-I still made the wrong one.

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Away

Upstairs

I find myself-whole & authentic.

Safe.

Away from the spectacle that often becomes others’ reality.

I never

expected this.

But permission wasn’t sought,

no waivers signed.

Emotions on high-unrequited & raw.

Almost reckless-we never stopped ourselves.

Apologies finally uttered–too late.

Actions replayed over & over with no resolve, no understanding.

I cannot make myself

walk down.