It’s been so long

It’s hard to remember life as we knew it the last time I sat to post here. It’s been so long. Friendships have ended, the world has faced and continues to battle a pandemic and race is front and center in our country. It is my hope that we’ve reached a tipping point and there’s no going back but who can ever really be sure. It feels like everything is politicized from believing in science to wearing a mask and even children going back to school in person. One could easily and justifiably ask, “what has become of all of us?” Are our egos so big we cannot unite even when faced with universal threats? Is racism so ingrained in America that protesting racism is now somehow unpatriotic? Only if I knew these answers.

Not all has been lost however, some amazing things have come out of this time:

  • I make time to meditate consistently
  • I work out almost daily
  • I’ve started running on the weekends
  • Gardening is a new hobby and I have quite a collection of herbs and veggies I grow on my own
  • I have incorporated meditation into my girls’ daily routine
  • My bike finally got moved into the house

Yes, more has happened as well but I don’t need to brag. Not at all. Life has become real. Relationships have been tested and only those things and persons that truly matter are given my energy. No more mindless acts or entertaining individuals just to make them feel better. No more shrinking and staying silent when I see something that is not right.

I’m starting courses at Yale next month and I couldn’t be more excited. 2020 may have disappointed on various levels but I am determined to make the best lemonade out of these lemons we’ve all been handed.

I’ll be back soon.

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21 Days

You screamed “what has changed?” “tell me what has changed”.

The shock of your rage directed at me.

Speechless.

I pondered answering, but didn’t.

You continued. Visibly upset. It met my silence.

There could be no other response.

Now;

unanswered for 4, 5, 6, 24 hours.

Contact diminished.

Meaningful dialogue turned into superficial conversations. Promises abandoned.

A lack of concern/attention…friendship.

You cannot require what you will not provide.

Hypocrisy.

21 days changed everything.

This reality was created and shaped by you.

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Necessary shifts

She said that self-care is a choice yet self-protection is pure survival. A necessity that must be carved in and prioritized. I guess you can call that my “AHA” moment. In a crowded restaurant, over a hurried lunch, in the midst of being in the eye of a career, political and personal storm all I could think of was this current realization; I am more than this circumstance. No matter how difficult this season of my life and this damning position is, it will pass. Things will settle and I will still stand (in some form or another), and to do this, I have to honor and attend to my well-being above all. Self-protection.

“You cannot pour from an empty cup”. -Unknown

So many connections, countless relationships all wanting, needing, demanding to be tended to, watered, nurtured-like plants in the garden of life. Lately my relationships are like succulents, thirsting for water then learning to conform without, turning colors due to deprivation until they are fire orange and red-screaming for attention. How will I fill my cup? Not with tasks, that has been done before and proved to have a high fail rate.

  • Meditation to start my day
  • Prioritizing solitude
  • Letting go of the need to constantly be productive
  • Learning to be okay with a…Pause
  • Exercising consistently
  • Writing
  • Embracing friendships and building on my village

I have to constantly accept and realize that what may be fulfilling and restoring for another, even one I view as very similar to myself likely will not mean the same for me. Constant stimulation and engagement I need to avoid. I must relish in the Quiet, be enveloped by seclusion where I can recharge and regenerate even if others do not realize this fact and even think this is counterproductive for my end goal.

I’m going to look for my glory yeah/I’ll be back real soon/I’m going to look for my glory yeah/I’ll be back real soon. -Solange

Sometimes the best thing we can do for those around us is to tell them “I’ll be back real soon”.

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